


A Sorceress and a Bard Walk Into a Pub

by ffonippop



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Angry Jaskier | Dandelion, Angry yennefer, Bar Scene, Drunken Shenanigans, Enemies to Friends, Gen, Jaskier deserved better, Legends supporting legends, Unlikely Friendships, idk how to tag normally so uh enjoy the next couple of tags, im sorry to the people who like geralt, jask and yen are friends but theyre salty abt it, jaskier is a sad slut, jaskier: geralt and i just broke up which is weird cause he didnt even know we were dating, post mountain scene, theres a b99 reference somewhere in there, they will trashtalk him a lot, they're disasters basically, theyre friends for the sole purpose of hating the same people, theyre like drunk college girls, toss a coin to your bitcher, yennefer says drop👏him👏sis👏
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23236270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffonippop/pseuds/ffonippop
Summary: Jaskier is angry and emotional after the events on mountain and wants to get drunk in the nearest pub, but the gods hate him, so of course, Yennefer happens to have had the exact same idea and picked the exact same pub to drown her sorrows in.
Relationships: Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 22
Kudos: 162





	A Sorceress and a Bard Walk Into a Pub

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic in the witcher fandom 👉👈 
> 
> zfsffzs hope u enjoy

To say Jaskier was _heartbroken_ was a understatement if there ever was one. To say Jaskier was _furious_? Now that was just the _greatest_ understatement in the _history_ of understatements.

Jaskier was certain that some great philosopher somewhere had thought exactly what he was going through at some point and made some wise old man speech about it, or at least wrote it down in some stupid fucking scroll hidden in a vast library in the middle of a desert or something.

He was sure that some great mind - one not unlike his - had a wise explanation about anger succeeding sadness, or something or other, but the bard, as interested in philosophy as he was, was nothing more than _pissed the fuck off_ in this exact moment. 

It had taken two days for Jaskier to climb back down the _stupid_ fucking mountain, following the trope of crudely spoken dwarves, and it had taken him another day traveling alone on a beaten path to reach the nearest town and enter the nearest pub. 

Drown his sorrows, Jaskier had decided the moment he left the mountain without _fucking_ Geralt of _fucking_ Rivia. Drown them in a variety of beers and other alcoholic beverages. Drown them and throw them back up the next morning, and then later inevitably have his head aching because of them. 

Jaskier was _miserable_. He was sweaty, and gross, and in need for more than just a barrel of alcohol. He needed a break. He needed to raise a glass to his sorrows, try to forget them at least for the night else his body would crumble with the weight of emotion. It was the thought of a quick fix, temporary as it may be, that drove Jaskier to place his palm on the door of the pub and push it open. 

The bard saw the eyes of violet storm before he could identify who it belonged to. 

Jaskier cursed. "Oh, _fuck's sake._ "

There, sitting at the bar with a large, glass tankard of beer in front of her, was Yennefer of Vengerberg, staring at him with her intense deep lilac eyes and resting bitch face. She had a change of dress on, Jaskier realized, and at the observation, the feel of his week old outfit felt itchy against his skin unwashed.

Yennefer's eyes peered deep into Jaskier's, and the emotionally damaged bard could feel the blood inside him boil with the anger of the one thousand monsters Geralt could kill and - here he _fucking was, thinking of Geralt again._

Jaskier stood at the entrance for a moment, eyes locked in a silent staring contest between him and the witch at the bar. He considered turning around and taking the journey to another town, another pub, but before the bard could march out to the town, his legs screamed in protest and the hunger for alcohol shook his head relentlessly. 

No, Jaskier decided, frown deepening as he stood at the doorway. He couldn't walk anymore. And he needed to get drunk _now_. 

Reluctantly, Jaskier marched himself to the bar, sitting in the only available seat in front of the bartender, which - curse Melitele - was, of course, right next to _dumb_ Yennefer of _stupid_ Vengerberg. 

The bartender nodded at Jaskier gruffly, gesturing at Jaskier to order his drink. With his voice hoarse from lack of use the past three days, Jaskier replied to the nod with, "I'll have your strongest drink, please."

Beside him, Yennefer snorted softly. 

Jaskier turned his head and glared. "What?"

Yennefer shook her head, though a small smile had wormed it's way to her lips. "No, nothing."

Jaskier's frown deepened. "No, tell me, _what_?"

Yennefer's smile only widened. "I swear, it's nothing," she assured him, grinning softly at her own alcoholic beverage before she took a swift swig of it. After a pause, she added, "It's just, you're here to drink to forget, aren't you, bard?"

Jaskier chuckled humorlessly at that, stiffly giving the bartender a handful of coins when his drink was served. And as if he were disappointed at the size of his glass tankard, Jaskier dumped another handful of coins on the bartender's open palm. "Keep them coming, please."

The bard took a long drink and turned to address the sorceress next to him. "Yes." He looked down at his hands and frowned. "You?" 

Yennefer heaved a sigh, full of sorrow and melancholy. "Same here. Too little to drink and too much to forget."

Jaskier chuckled, and it was like they'd reached a silent calm spot in their storm of a rocky relationship. Neither of the two drinkers in the pub were quite sure of what they were in terms of acquaintances, but what they _were_ sure of was this: tonight, they were drinking in peace. 

Glancing at Yennefer's exhausted face, Jaskier shrugged and took a shot at a normal conversation. "If I may ask, what are you forgetting?"

"Assuming it works?" Yennefer winked at him, as if to share a secret, her nose scrunching up as she offered Jaskier a secretive smirk. "Men."

A pause blanketed the two, and Jaskier was surprised to find that it was a comfortable silence that consumed them, a silence of relief. It was strange, Jaskier thought to himself as the alcohol stung his throat with another gulp of the liquid. How friendly he was acting with the witch he had made up his mind about hating only moments before.

But, whatever, Jaskier shrugged. Yennefer was the closest he'd gotten to warm company in the past three days, and since they were out just drinking anyway, Jaskier saw no harm in speaking. Besides, Jaskier's brain added, there was no one but Yennefer who could even get close to how he was feeling now. 

"Men," Jaskier repeated with a defeated voice, raising his glass with a deep frown set on his normally smiling face. "To the assholes who find joy in the pain they cause others."

With a soft laugh, Yennefer raised her glass alongside the bard. "To the asshole you invest your love to only to be treated like shit the next day."

Jaskier gave the sorceress a sidelong glance before bursting into laughs as he took a long swig of his drink, ignoring the burning sensation in his throat as it went down. The laughs that wracked his body were more incredulous ones than laughs of joyous amusement, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

" _Gods_ , you think he treated _you_ like shit?" Jaskier laughed, his eyes filled with a feral tint and his hands beginning to gesture wildly as he spoke. "I spent _twenty fucking years_ with the guy! The _only_ person who could even _stand_ to be in the same _fucking_ room as him! And what do I get? _Screamed at_!"

Yennefer choked on her drink. " _Twenty_ years?" she repeated with disbelief, eyes widening as she turned her body to the bard. "I could barely stand a day! You endured _that_ for _twenty_ years?"

Jaskier laughed wildly. "I _know_!"

"What, did he put you in some kind of spell or something?"

"Worse," Jaskier answered, his nose scrunching up in anger as he recalled the always tangled silver hair and stupid, _stupid_ rarity of a smile that could kill. "He had me fall in love with him."

Yennefer frowned. "Oh, you poor thing, did he wish that on the djinn as well? Or some other magic?"

Jaskier spat out his drink with a laugh. "What? No! I just really liked his face, he had that whole _rugged mountain rat man_ look working out for him. He used _djinn_ magic on you?"

Yennefer let out a breath. "And I barely found out three days ago," she confirmed, raising the glass of alcohol to her lips and frowning when it came up empty. Jaskier slid his glass to her, and she accepted it gratefully. 

"Gods, was that why you yelled at him?"

The sorceress grinned. "I should've done a lot more," she sighed. 

"Oh, no, you broke his heart." Jaskier accepted another glass of alcohol from the bartender and drank. "Unfortunately for me, I did not see him breaking mine when I went down to help." Jaskier tilted his head. "Hm. Granted I should have let him clear his head first before going down there, but I only meant to _help._ "

Yennefer patted the bard's back with a small frown. "What'd he say?"

Oh. The alcohol was kicking in now, Jaskier realized, feeling his filter - which was usually rarely even there in the first place - start to slip. He shrugged and let it happen. It would do him good to stop repressing his emotions, anyway.

"He blamed me for everything that was going to shit in his life," Jaskier scoffed. "Can you _believe_ that? _Me._ The man who spent _two decades_ scrubbing chamomile on his _ungrateful ass_ is somehow to _blame._ "

Yennefer shook her head in displeasure. "What an asshole." 

" _Right_? You know what he said before the whole djinn thing happened?"

"Wh-"

"My singing was like ordering a pie and finding it has _no filling_."

Yennefer slammed her glass down on the bar. "What a _whore_!"

"Yes, _thank_ you!"

Yennefer turned to Jaskier and took his hand in hers reassuringly. "I happen to _love_ your singing, Jaskier."

Jaskier sniffled drunkenly. " _Thank_ you, Yen. Means a lot." He took his hand out of her grip to gesture wildly with them once more as Yen drank more of her beverage, finished the cup, and reached for Jaskier's. 

Jaskier continued ranting. "I mean! I wrote the songs that made him _famous_ , Yen! _Everyone_ knows _Toss A Coin_ , Yennefer! _Everyone_!" As if to prove his point, Jaskier turned to another drunken guest and exclaimed, "Oi! Do you know _Toss A Coin_!"

The drunken guest spat on the floor and replied gruffly, "Aye, of course, I do." 

Yennefer snorted. "And he just let you go?" Yennefer shook her head disapprovingly, sipping from her glass like it was a tea cup and glancing to the side with a judging expression. "A fool. What a fool."

Jaskier frowned. "I am _not_ a fool!"

"No," Yennefer agreed. " _He's_ a fool. _You_ made him the White Wolf, friend of humanity and erased the 'Butcher of Blaviken.' If it weren't for your songs, no village would want him within a thirty mile radius. _You_ did that, Jaskier. Fucking _wonderful_."

"Y...Yeah!" Jaskier cried triumphantly, puffing his chest out. "Yeah, I did! And he fucking smells like _onions._ "

Yennefer snorted. "It's why the fucking dragon man jumped off the cliff," she joked, laughing and hiccuping through her words. "He couldn't stand being next to Geralt."

At the sound of his name, the dam inside Jaskier broke.

And just like that, Jaskier's waterworks started up, tears flowing from the bard like a river running downstream, tearing him apart. It was like all the sadness he'd spent his time repressing broke through his mind and escaped through his face in the form of salty tears and sticky snot.

The memory of the mountain rushed through the bard's head, fresher than ever, as if the three days he'd spent trying to forget it only strengthened the memory, giving it more power over the helpless songbird, wracking his body through shaking sobs.

And when she realized her drinking mate was crying, Yennefer's eyes widened.

"Oh, _no_ , stop crying!" Yennefer exclaimed. "He doesn't smell like onions anymore, I'm sorry, stop crying!"

Jaskier sniffled. "I'm - I'm not crying because of _that_. H-He does smell like onions."

"Then, what the _fuck_?" Yennefer gulped down more beer. 

"His name," Jaskier laughed through the tears, raising his hand to wipe his face but only helping to spread them around. "Y-You said his name."

"Oh. Sorry." Yennefer sat in silence as Jaskier picked up another glass from the bar and began gulping it down in one go. She sighed, trying to find a way to calm the drunken bard down. 

"You.... Uhm, you know what?" Yennefer attempted through uncertain pauses. "Names have power. My old teacher spent months calling me piglet."

Jaskier spat out some of his drink. " _What?_ Yennefer, you look like a _god_." He sniffled as he complimented the sorceress. "Your teacher was a jealous bitch. I haven't even made up my mind on whether or not I want to have sex with you or _be_ you."

Yennefer giggled stupidly. "Geralt wanted the former," she chuckled drunkenly. 

Jaskier knitted his eyebrows together. "Okay, I want to be you," he decided. 

"Do _not_. Tragedy follows me wherever I go."

Jaskier arched an eyebrow. "Yennefer, you're hot, powerful, and smart. Tragedy follows you because it's envious."

"I wasn't always like this, though." 

Jaskier rolled his eyes. "What, you used to be prettier?"

Yennefer downed another glass before she slammed it down, as if to brace herself for the decision she was going to make and regret the next morning. "You wanna know about me, bard?"

Jaskier gestured the bartender for more drinks. "I'll strike you a deal," he offered. "Your tragic backstory for mine. Geralt doesn't know who I was before I was the _hot_ and _sexy_ and incredibly talented Jaskier, so we'll be sharing information privy only to us."

Yennefer thought about it for a moment. After a long pause, in lieu of an answer, she began her tale. "I used to live in a pig farm...." 

* * *

It's several hours and many more handfuls of gold pieces worth of beer later when their conversation had ended in a comfortable silence. 

Jaskier had his head leaning on Yennefer's shoulder, drool escaping his mouth and soaking onto her dress. The sorceress did not seem to mind, her eyeliner tracked with dried tears from what they were talking about a couple hours earlier. She had forgotten most of their conversation, but she knew she trusted the man drooling on her shoulder with her life.

In the hours they spent getting shitfaced drunk, Yennefer had confided in Jaskier her past and her troubles, and in return, Jaskier had told her about his life as Julian Alfred Pankratz. 

Neither of the two would admit to it, but if they couldn't lie, they'd say they found it therapeutic, having someone to listen to them.

Jaskier blinked groggily. "Y...Yennefer."

Yennefer sniffled, forcing her eyes open. "Th-That's my name, yeah." She giggled drunkenly at the sound of her voice. 

"You know... before this, it was like every time you opened your mouth, you were telling me to slap the living daylights out of you," Jaskier confessed, making the sorceress next to him laugh. "Seriously. You were a _bitch_. I wrote a song about you being a whore, remind me to play it to you someday.

"But now... it's like I want to make out with you in the most non-lover-way possible. Like... I'm sexually attracted to you, but without the sexually part."

Yennefer blinked and turned her face to meet Jaskier's eyes. "You mean _platonically_ attracted to me?" She asked. "Like a friend?"

Jaskier furrowed his eyebrows. "Is that what it's called?" He grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, it's just... the only friend I've had in so long was Geralt, and I was in love with him, so...."

Yennefer nodded, recalling all the rants Jaskier had gone through during the night. "Twenty years," she said. 

"Twenty years," Jaskier sighed. 

Yennefer smiled. "Yeah, well. You were nothing but a sharp pain in my ass before tonight, bard, but.... Well, I've only been friends with you for a night, but if anything were to happen to you, I would kill everybody in this room and then myself."

Jaskier snorted.

"To friendships without the longing for sex!" Jaskier exclaimed, raising an empty glass. 

"You just mean regular friendships." Yennefer piped up, raising her own empty glass and then lowering it back down to the bar counter.

She laughed when he muttered a sheepish, "I wouldn't know."

A silence filled with nothing but hiccups and occasional giggling blanketed the pair before Yennefer shrugged Jaskier off her shoulder, causing angry muttering from the bard when he almost fell to the floor from the lack of support. Yennefer stuck her tongue out at the man, and Jaskier responded with a certain gesture with his middle finger. 

"What?" Jaskier questioned, blinking blearily and trying to regain his balance as he leaned his head on the bar counter instead. 

Yennefer rolled her eyes. "Where are you headed after this?" She inquired. 

Jaskier shrugged. "No more witcher to follow," he yawned. "Perhaps I'll pick up sword fighting and become a monster hunter myself. You reckon I'll do well?"

Yennefer eyed him up and down. "About as well as I did with Tissaia on my first day."

Jaskier elbowed the sorceress. "I happen to think that's a wonderful metaphor. At first I'll be absolute shit, you know. Might fuck around and almost kill a girl with lightning - "

"Fuck off, Jaskier."

"- but in the end, I'll be a hot boy that Geralt would want to kiss."

Yennefer groaned. "Shut up about Geralt, you were _angry_ earlier, remember? He smells like onions?"

Jaskier groaned. "But I _miss_ him."

Yennefer rolled her eyes. "Right, then. I've made up my mind. You're a sad slut right now, Jask. You need to play your lute, and then maybe you'll calm down. I'll get you to the next kingdom and you'll play as a royal bard for the next stupid king I charm or something."

Jaskier scoffed. "You'll get _me_ as a _royal bard_?" He laughed at that. "Me. A royal bard. Fucking hilarious, Yen."

Yennefer stared. "I'm not joking."

"Oh... you're not? Seriously, you're not? Oh my gods. Yennefer - my sweet, dear friend Yennefer, I would kill someone for you. You're a fucking wonder, Yennefer, you're a _gift_ -"

"If you're reaching in for a hug, I'm dislocating your shoulder."

"Right, sorry." Jaskier stared at the sorceress next to him long and hard. "And what will become of you?"

Yennefer smiled. "Perhaps I'll become a bard."

"Witch, do _not_ take my branding. Being a bard is the only thing I'm good at, if you take that away from me, I'm ripping your vocal cords out."

Yennefer laughed. "Then let's not think about what I will become. I'm still not sure myself."

"Well." Jaskier scrunched his nose up. "When you figure it out, you'll know which castle I'll be living in."

Yennefer grinned. "Last toast. To being alive for the first time in twenty years."

Jaskier snorted and took a last gulp of beer from a half empty glass, ignoring the way his head pounded from the alcohol in favor of serving the moment. He promptly passed out on the bar counter.

**Author's Note:**

> fgxgsgxs im very sorry to the people who like geralt i was just very angry at him after he yelled at my boy and made my wife angry after the mountain scene and since yen and jask are my designated projecting characters, i couldn't resist making geralt their common villain 😔😔 very sorry ily very much 
> 
> and uh yea zgzgx thought it would be nice to have the loves of my life become friends bc as much as i love their banter, i would much rather enjoy having them talk shit about those who have wronged them than talk shit abt each other. im a simple gay, i see two legends be angry at each other and i need to immediately have them be angry at other people
> 
> this fic was kinda rushed but whatever its vibing with me lmao
> 
> anyway lmao thanks for reading if u made it this far and if you enjoyed it, id love to hear from u in the comments lmaooo zgxgsvx
> 
> i also have a tumblr i am @skittlesun!!  
> aND ALSO pls follow my witcher sideblog @yenneferal im trying to gain followers there haha 👉👈  
> thank you thank u ily very much and thats it sfxgd have a great rest of ur day  
> \- alyssa


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